Delayed

I have been hesitant to write lately. I feel like a lot has changed in how I view the world and how I view myself, and without a clear definition in my head it is difficult to describe the shift. However I would like to outline a few things.

#1: Summer Camp
Since I was eight years old, my mother, sister, and I have been attending a performing arts camp every summer that, over the years, became the defining entity of my life. It is also the first (and only) thing, other than my mobility, that I truly mourned the loss of when I got sick. Thanks to some wonderful administrators and my indescribably fantastic physical therapist, I made it back to camp this year. I spent July preparing myself physically and mentally, with new exercises designed to increase flexibility and fluidity of motion and an understanding that, despite the risk and whatever pain I would incur over the week, it was vastly important for my mental health that I go. I nearly chickened out at least three times, and when I arrived there I was visibly shaking. However as the week went on, I was able to let go of that fear, and I discovered that I did not have to think of myself as injured - I had the tools and the strength to take some risks. The last thing my physical therapist said to me before I left was, "don't not do anything you want to do," and I took that philosophy to heart. By the last day, I felt as like myself as I have felt in a long time. I did not feel like a sick kid anymore. I just felt like me.

#2: Living in a Post-Camp World
Since I returned I have been trying very hard to not be bored, which is difficult when one is isolated from the world. But regardless - I'm trying. I'm joining classes at the rec center and a community chorus, prepping for our new puppy, teaching my kids performing arts, and training with my physical therapist - who, upon my successful return, has decided that she and I are going to complete a sprint triathlon together just as soon as we're ready. I'm also trying to get out of the house as much as I can, and I aim to get my driver's license by the end of the year.

#3: Transitions
As I left camp, someone told me that perhaps what I needed was to stay incredibly busy. I told them, no, that's not quite it - what I need is to be engaged in things that make me happy. I'm trying very hard not to think of myself as someone that is sick. I'm trying not to live my life around my pain. When things hurt that's still really hard, but there is a direct correlation between how happy I am and how much pain I am in. Therefore I want to live my life with that in mind.

I will probably be renaming this blog. One of my friends told me, a long time ago, that the title could (and should) be something transitory. Perhaps I wouldn't be this way forever. Either way, as I go out into the world, I would rather concentrate on the good than the bad - and not on the part that could make me an invalid.

photo credit: https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqHnmr6_kqrwVAMMcAh-0yEpuSCvadJmRRdlh9Kt1xG0-Uz52FYSw97BQdsVuKWZAxzBrLwnTeOfzO8psjf-CVtGwBjgBxiRUZlYMAzxs9k66YaHiAcWGU8qgicggPfTUHh1Wva30cweeY/s400/Freedom85_4.jpg