Mind Games

My attitude adjustment, it appears, is not invincible.

I had my wisdom teeth out ten days ago. It has been on the to-do list for a while, however once the teeth dislodged my retainers and caused my gums to swell removal was moved to the top of the triage list. It was horrific timing, as I was just wrapping my head around fighting a chronic pain cycle. Suddenly I spent a week on bed rest chugging vicodin and waiting out the recovery. On the other side, the lack of Enbrel and exercise has destroyed my body. I feel as bad as I did a year ago, plus withdrawal symptoms.

The first few days were okay. I congratulated myself on coming so far that I could endure a procedure like that and stay stable. But as the pain set in, I lost the ability to find a positive angle. I struggle to find one now.

In the past, I was able to hold my head together because I truly believed I could learn something from the experience. I bided my time and sorted through my head and worked really hard and I grew into someone really healthy, not just in body but in mind, more so than I've ever been. Then I was hit. Now the pain really isn't my fault, and everything seems out of my control. I can't reverse anything, or cope with anything, and, for the first time, I feel truly powerless.

I don't know how to believe that I can achieve my previous level of health now that it has been so thoroughly destroyed. Knowing what such a process requires of me, I don't think I want to start over. Now that this has become a mind game, my head is no longer my own, and I have nowhere to retreat. Perhaps the last mental barrier I must defeat is my fear of confronting my pain head on - though I thought that's what I've been doing this whole time. I don't know if I can live in a world where I have to live despite the pain; it seems that living without pain is no longer an option.

And that is one hell of an attitude adjustment.

photo credit: http://archive.student.bmj.com/issues/08/03/life/images/view_3.jpg